(Sonni’s note: This post was originally printed in April 2014. Yesterday, when I sat down at my piano I say there looking at the keys. Before I started playing my fingers started moving from the little finger to the forefinger kind of like a finger wave. It was like my fingers were thinking. I had just finished with a piano student and I wasn’t ready to move away from the piano. I wanted to play but I didn’t know what I’d play. For me that is what I enjoy the most. Just playing something off the top of my head. Being able to do that after all these years is life’s gift to me. Recording it on my tablet and waiting until later to really listen to the music that came out is worth the wait. I used to play professionally in piano bars and a variety of different groups playing everything from pop to country to rock and roll. I also sang until I developed calluses on my vocal chords. That was a long time time. I no longer play music that belongs to others. I only play what comes out of me. I experience an emotion and I put it to music. Much of my music for Jamie is melancholy because what I often feel is sadness. Because I record music through from beginning to end, with no idea of what I’m going to play, you will hear an occasional wrong note. There is no point in correcting it because I wouldn’t play the same thing two times in a row. I’d just make a mistake in another place.)
It’s ok. Don’t worry about me. I tell myself, don’t be discouraged. That is only downing myself. Always keep your confidence and you will succeed. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I don’t want anyone to feel as though I’m begging or even asking too much. I’m sorry. Please, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. This is what I get for breaking the law. Please, I just need help seeing my son. That’s all. I want nothing else. And I will chant for you, too, I promise I will.
I ask myself over and over, why won’t Megan come and bring my son? I do deserve to see my son. He is all I have. However, Megan, I guess, feels different. Maybe I should try to get moved to another unit. I would probably have to get in trouble, though, to do that. That wouldn’t be good. But if I was moved father away from home then everyone would be able to use excuses like, “It’s too far away” or “I can’t afford the gas”. Then it would be easier for them to let themselves off the hook. Maybe Megan just wants to keep me from him. I hate to think that but it’s hard not to.
If I knew people cared as they say they do, it would be a lot easier on me. Without you I would know nothing. Megan has kept me blind for so long on how little Jamie is doing. That hurts like hell! Why? Why would she want to hurt me like that? Oh, forget I asked that question. There have been many times I have wanted to give up. There are lots of people with lots on their plate and they still manage to find the time and come to see the person they say they love. Life is full of unanswered questions.
I’ve written letters to my mother. A lot of the time I get them back. She moves around a lot. The last address I got was my grandmother’s. My (biological) mom came to visited me last year. First time in at least 6 years. It’s not her fault, though. I was in a couple units that were far away. Clear across Texas. Too far to make it there and back in a day. A few days maybe. I’m closer now so maybe I’ll get to see her more often. She said she was going to come visit me more often. I told her twice a month would be great. I waited and waited, hoping each weekend that she’d come. Five months went by. She never came back until a couple weeks ago. I was really glad to see her.
It would be good if I could get Megan to take Jamie to my mom’s house and then she could bring Jamie. Then we could take some pictures together. But they aren’t getting along too good right now. The person who misses out the most is Jamie. He needs all of his family. I’m just asking a favor for me and my son. I wish I could see my grandmother, too. Maybe she could come with my mom sometime if she’s well enough. Oh, I guess that’s enough about all of this. It gets me depressed just thinking about.