This was first published on March 31, 2014 when he was still in solitary confinement
I was told that I could maybe be moved up to G4 in a few months. I don’t know if I want to do that. I have a window. A nice big window. I look at the sky a lot. I like to stand and look at the sky. At night I can look up at the moon. It’s beautiful. It’s been a long time since I could just stand and see outside and see the sky. With this Buddhism I have been reading about, there is this guidance I read about the moon:
“As you make your way home tonight may you pause for a moment to gaze up at the night sky and let your heart communicate with the moon in wordless dialogue. Perhaps you might compose a poem and set it down in your journal tonight. How good to have such a poetic spirit!” ( Sonni’s note: This is a guidance I sent Jamie from Daisaku Ikeda, President of the SGI-USA Int’l, the lay organization for Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism. it is these guidances that have helped him keep his head straight and have hope for his future.)
But one thing that is not so good because the water coming out of my faucet is a muddy brown. Maybe it’s from rust? It’s the only thing I have to drink. It’s probably not even safe to drink. How can they get away with this? Why is there no one who says, you can’t do this? You can’t treat people like this. It’s not right.
I think about my life a lot. I have a lot of time to think. I’m trying so hard to do my best to turn my life around. I need to do this for me and for the kids. I’m trying to come home, I really am. But with everything that has happened it really hurts me. I read what you sent me of this blog and it hurt me. I cried because reading it was like reliving my past and I didn’t like it at all.
Growing up, yes things were hard on me. It was because I didn’t have a father. No one ever knew how I felt about anything because I never tried to talk to anyone about it. You are the only person I have opened up to like this. I never asked my mom questions about my father. I just went on with my life.
I used to try and follow my older brother around, but we all know how that goes. Older brothers don’t want to be around their younger brothers. Again, I just went on about my life. Things fell apart as I did that. I hung around the wrong people, picked up a few bad habits and ran with it. I sold drugs here and there. But then I started stealing. I’m sure you’re wondering where my mom was while I was doing this. Well, I would wait while she went to work or sleep at night. I would even go to school and then leave after two periods. I got into a lot of trouble with my mom when she found out, because there were times I got caught stealing and skipping school. My mom never knew about the drugs. But she knew about a gun I had. She told me to get rid of it before I got in trouble. She was right about that. Look where I am now. Still hanging with the wrong people!
I used to leave the house when my mother was asleep. It would be about 10 PM. I was young, maybe 14 or 15 years old. It’s not my mom’s fault at all. I would leave to do what I wanted every change I could. I felt free. I hung around older dudes in the neighborhood. I felt cool. My mom always told us we had to be in the house before the street lights came on. We had to eat, clean up and bathe, and be in bed by 9:30. I didn’t like it because it was more fun staying out at night. Sometimes I would stay away from home for 2 or 3 days at a time. I knew I had it coming when I got home. So I would wait til my mom went to work to go home and get something to eat, take a bath, and then leave again. However, I would get tired and just wanted to lay down and sleep. So I would go home knowing that the belt was waiting for me.
Now, I would love to see and hear from her more often. Same with Megan and Jamie. All I can do is ask. I can’t make them do it. So I sit and wait and hope I get a visit. I get discouraged when all I do is sit and wait and nobody comes. I gave my mom a hard time growing up. It’s a hard lesson to learn.