matters-of-the-heart

(Sonni’s note: I received this letter four weeks before my liver transplant surgery in July 2012.  I was very sick.  I wasn’t capable of writing anymore letters because I couldn’t make a connection between my brain and my hand.  I was playing the waiting game.   I was at the point where I didn’t have a whole lot of time left.   I was told  later that I had come as close as possible to death without dying.   Jamie and I were in our own prisons. He was alone and yet his thoughts were for me. He was sitting in ad seg, solitary confinement, and I was confined to my bed.)

Hello mom, sorry this letter has taken so long to get to you. I pray that as this paper touches your hands it’s as soft as a dove and that you are in the best of health. I pray that this letter brings a smile to your face, and it takes a lot of pain and stress away. I know that things are hard on you right now. But hey, if there’s one thing I know about the women I love and care so much for, you, Megan and my mom, is that you the are strong women. I know the pain is hard to bare. I also know that you will pull through. So everything is going to be fine. It’s nice that several members of the SGI have come to visit you and keep you encouraged but I know you already have the courage.

I understand about bad choices. You aren’t the only one who’s made a bad choice in life. We’ve all made one or two or maybe even three! Look at me. I’ve made lots of mistakes. We all make them. It’s part of life. Some of us turn our life around and some don’t. I wish I could have turned mine around.

I read the World Tribune newspaper and the magazine, Living Buddhism, that you got me. I understand some of it and some I don’t. I try to do the chanting. I do my best and it helps me when I’m mad. So there, I pray for you and everyone I love the only way I’ve known how. I pray for me and Megan’s happiness. But the more I think about it, I know she’s tired.

 

MATTERS-OF-THE-HEART

I was going through my letters and ran across the first few that you wrote me. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or nothing. I just feel it’s the truth, but it just took a little time for me to understand. You stated that Megan would move on and find someone else. It hurt at that time and it really still hurts at just the thought. I have so much hurt inside sometimes I wonder if I should leave this place. Because as time passed I asked myself, why go home? Family showed they really don’t much care. The woman I love has hurt me as well. I know that by me getting locked up that I hurt her. But never would I have stopped my love for her. Never. If the shoe was on the other foot I would have never done anything like that. Why? Because when you find the love you know you have, you don’t. I have never found anyone to love me like Megan. I know she loved me more than most of my family. However, I see that when someone is not around, the love isn’t either. It’s lost. I have some deep scars, just like you mom.

I’m going to let you in on something I never understood. Why is it that you wanted to help me? 670px-Cope-With-Holiday-Stress-and-Depression-in-Prison-Step-05I never understood, although I am very thankful and always will be. We didn’t really get much of a chance to know each other in person except those couple times. However, we have learned a lot about each other over the years. I’m glad to have someone like you and Megan, even though she hardly writes, but I promise you, the day I’ve had enough, everyone will know.

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