(Sonni’s note: This letter was written on November 8, 2010. I’ve stopped posting them in the correct timeline, because it won’t post as a new post and only someone going back to the beginning would have a chance of finding and reading it. More than 4 years have gone by since this letter was written, but he could have written it today. He still mourns the loss of Megan in his life. Megan meant to stick with him through this, not realizing that his 17 year sentence was also her 17 year sentence. They were young and she went on with her life, now living with a man she is happy with. Jamie, being locked up has never been able to move on. It’s as fresh for him today as it was when this letter was written, and also nine years ago. Does she not love Jamie anymore? If someone truly loves another person no amount of convincing yourself not to love this person will make it go away. But when he gets out, after they have both gotten older, would it pick up where it left off? It just depends if there truly was love there in the first place. Megan has to try to put it out of her life, if she wants to have another relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to the man in her life now. The hard part is that it also affects the relationship Jamie has with his son, and in turn, his relationship with his father, because Megan communicates with Jamie very little, leaving it to me to tell him about his son and send him pictures. On rare occasions she will write to him, but I think she feels she’s being disloyal to the man she lives with now. What will happen when he gets out? Interesting.)

hard to stop loving

Hello mom,smiley face ( hand drawn smiley face)
How are you? Fine, and blessed I pray.  As for me, as I sit here I finally realized I’ve lost the one woman I love.  It hurts me to think this way, mom. However it’s just the way things seem to go for me.  I have no one to blame but myself, mom. I feel I have lost someone very special to me. DEPRESSION_by_optiknerve_gr-253x300Maybe it’s the time that has me thinking like this. I sure hope that’s what it is, mom. Too much thinking has me thinking the worst. However, I’ll never forget the wonderful times we had together. Playing with the kids, going fishing and having family times. I really miss it, mom. I hate the fact of Megan with another man. He doesn’t deserve someone that special. He don’t deserve a woman like Megan. Mom, I really hate myself for being here. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I’m just so hurt right now. However, believe me mom, I’m doing my best as I can so I can make parole. Megan and the kids is a family I don’t want to lose. We will be together again some day. So with you as my witness I promise to do good for my family. I promise to do good for myself as well. I want to thank you for your love and support, mom. Thanks for being here for me. I really appreciate everything you do for me. (Again, I’m thankful)

About the name of the institution I’m in, it’s called Preston E. Smith. I have no idea what the phone number is so it might be good to look it up on the net. When you call I’m sure it doesn’t matter if you call as my mother or mother-in-law. Either way you are a mother to me. Maybe you can find out what’s going on with me. They don’t tell me nothing.

(Sonni’s note: I think of him as my son. A mother would do anything she could for her children. I recently spoke to his mother for the first time since he was incarcerated and we spoke for two hours. It was a good conversation. She told me things about him as a child that only a mother would speak of. I could hear the love in her voice. Whatever her reason has been for her lack of communication to him, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. It’s in the past, and we learn from the past. Maybe at a later date I can ask. All that was important was making that connection so hopefully we can work together to bring him home. I wanted her to be a part of this. She recently sent me a picture of him at the same age as his son and I am going to do a picture combining the two of them. I think it would make a good present for her and likewise, something to make Jamie smile. In prison, smiles are hard to come by. Where this is all leading I can only guess, but I know there is a purpose and I will follow it through to the end.)

Mom, even though my mom don’t write, I still love her.  In a way, I understand her.  I’ve put her through so much in the past it hurts me to think about it.  I know she loves me cause the love a mother has for her child never leaves. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts me deeply when I don’t hear from her.   I still wish her the best.

I received the book you sent sent (thank you). I’m still reading it. It’s pretty good. Also. I received the dictionary, too.

Family, mom, you know as well as I do, family can be a pain in the butt. However, on the other hand, we also have family who will love us no matter what.  It don’t matter if it’s love or tough love, they still love us. Even if we can’t understand it.  Like you, do to the fact that Aunt Karen’s son is so young and with a drinking problem, you can’t talk with her about it. I know it hurts her. I can just imagine the things she went through with him drinking like that at a young age. I’m sure he’ll overcome his drinking problem in the future.

(Sonni’s note: He didn’t make it.  July 2012, one night he ran his car into a tree and died on impact, after leaving a casino where he stopped to gamble, while making a trip to a beach town on the east coast for a family vacation.  Some people want to change but don’t have the courage or the tools to help themselves.)

I know how you feel about family and others talking about you behind your back. That goes on a lot in here. They talk about  you behind your back and then put a smile on their face when they see you.

Rec? Yes ma’am, it’s hard. I go out and play basketball the best I can. I don’t want my knees to lock up on me. I try to exercise them as much as I can. I saw the doctor and she looked at my past x-rays and she said I had  fluid on them and some arthritis. I begged her to send me to the medical unit to get the fluid off. It’s painful. She said no, I’d be denied, but if I was still have problems later she’d put me in for it.

(Sonni’s note: In reality, they just don’t want to pay for it. It cuts into their profit margin.  Just like when he had abscessed teeth below the gumline.  They let him stay in tremendous pain for a long time before they had no choice but to get him to a hospital to have them cut out.  And afterward, for the healing process, only Tylenol.  Barbaric from beginning to end.  Pain?  It’s just an inmate.  Who cares.  There are two other posts dealing with that time: https://mynameisjamie.net/2012/11/11/oh-the-pain-of-it-all/ and the other one is https://mynameisjamie.net/2012/11/01/waiting-months-to-see-a-dentist/)

Mom, I really don’t mind giving advise to others. I don’t mind helping others if I can. Some people don’t know the difference between right and wrong and some don’t care. I still give it to them, though. I was actually good in school. I just hung around the wrong people. I have six uncles I could have looked up to. Again, I made a bad choice. I have no one to blame but myself. I intend to change that to the best of my ability. Helping others is the best way I know how.

Love always, Son

3 thoughts on “Prison Pain – Physical and Pain in the Heart

    1. Thank you so much. I was going through posts of yours on Google + yesterday when my doorbell rang and took me away from my computer. I hope people here click on you and follow the yellow brick road to your sites!

      Liked by 1 person

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