alone(Sonni’s note:) If you’ve had the opportunity to read other posts that have music links, or have gone to the page at the top that says https://mynameisjamie.net/music-links/ then you know I compose music and play the piano. But what I do is all improvisation. I create what I feel, and record as I play.  My music is the tangible result of my emotions. Yesterday I recorded another piece called ‘Blindfolded Pain’ because I played only by feel, not sight. This piece is very painful to me. I was in pain in my heart. I’ve sat and closed my eyes and just listened to the dissonance of the notes that sometimes grate together, and cried, listening to the intervals between the notes, and when you think it is over, it quietly starts again, and again, and again until the light is gone.

September 9, 2010 Written from the Smith Unit in La Mesa, Tx, a long way from any family
Four and a half years before today

(Sonni’s Note: I will be posting each older later the day I transcribe and leave it at this date for 6 months. I will then transfer it to the correct date. Since Many people Don’t start at the beginning, it needs to initially be published as a new post.)

Hello Mom,

How are you doing. Fine, I pray. As for me, well, before I begin my letter I want to apologize about my last letter. It’s just that things are getting so stressful as time passes. To tell the truth, it doesn’t help any when I don’t hear back from the ones I love. I’m facing and looking at some bad things. I’ve had a fight, I’ve been threatened by 3 people. I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I haven’t told the officers. Well, if I do that, they’re going to write up a statement, mom. If I give them a statement they are going to write up the person I’m having problems with. They will also place a copy of my statement on his write up. Then I would not only have to worry about him, but others as well. I would also to worry about the officers telling other inmates. So no matter what, I’m in a no win situation. I don’t feel safe on this unit, but I have to deal with it until they move me.

I know if I tell the officers it won’t help me none. Officers have some inmates they tell things to. I’ve seen people get jumped on because of an officer telling him to. I’ve also seen officers and heard them do some backstabbing things, mom. There’s no help in here. I want to come home, but it’s going be hard when when I hear inmates and officers against me with no help. I don’t know what to do. I’m ready to give up, but something tells me to keep trying and don’t give up. To me, I feel that’s hard to do. I’m not ready to give up. I feel this way because the feeling of me being given up on keeps coming back. I’m strong in so many ways, however, so I will keep trying, family, or not.

However, I could uses some advice, mom. Please, I need it. Things are so stressful on me right now, mom. I love Megan and the kids and I also love my family. I will do anything I have to do, so if I have to fight, you must understand. Understand that these people are going to try to hurt me. I want to see my family again, both of them, so I’m going to do what I have to do, mom. I can take care of myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about Megan ever since she wrote me. I can sit and write about how much it hurts when she don’t write, however it’s not going to help nothing. One day I’ll get over the spaces of her not writing. Not just her, but everyone else as well. I just feel so left out.

However, now that I think about it, I’ve had someone by my side all along. Someone who’s helped me, given me support, given me good advice when I needed it and been there for me. Thank you mom, without you being there for me and letting me know how Megan and the kids are from time to time, I would have lost it. Thanks again, mom.

Again, I’m sorry about the last letter. I was upset at myself and the world. It’s my fault I’m in this situation. Things will change one day I’m sure. It seems seems to get harder every day. But I guess it’s just me worrying too much. Well, I must say that I’m thankful for the money and the books you’ve sent me, mom. However, I can’t keep asking you to help me. That’s why I asked you not to send me anything. I know you say you’re doing okay with it. But my family won’t help me. That’s why I haven’t asked you for anything in several months. Also because I know you are having problems of your own. I know things might be tight, so I’m okay.

I haven’t heard from you in awhile so I assume you’ve moved due to the fact of me not hearing from you. (Sonni’s note: Two weeks before he wrote this letter I had to pack up my home and my store to make a move from Key West to Pa to see a good liver transplant specialist. The transition was hard.)

I sure hope things are okay,mom. How’s the weather up there? It’s starting to get chilly. I don’t like the cold. What’s the weather like in Pa? (sonni’s note: I hate the cold. Anything below 60 degrees lol. But today I’d even settle for 50!) I just know things are still beautiful there. Tell your mom I said hello okay? How’s things going with your sister? She still have a chip on her shoulder? I wonder why some people hate others when they don’t know nothing about them. I really don’t understand that. Maybe it’s because you and Mike are happy together. Some people hate to see others happy. Don’t worry mom, I’m sure she’ll get over whatever it is she has a problem with.

Well, I have to go for now, mom. Love always,Son
Love you Mom (in fancy script)

(Sonni’s note: So much sadness and loneliness in this letter. Since he had been inside now just over 9 years, this was written about the halfway mark. I always felt him to be a gentle person with a good heart. It’s hard when you are frightened into to taking a plea by being scared by your public defender telling you the judge could give you 99 years, for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. When he left the house that night to go out partying with his cousin, as 22 year old young men do, and if you had been kept in juvy for 4 years when it was supposed to be 9 months because a cop barged unto their home when it was clear there was no need,he had no chance at having a life. The cop knocked his mother down and broke her wrist. Jamie hit him with a broom in defense of his mother. But we all know that cops are always right. There isn’t a black heart in any cop, right? They always serve and protect. Jamie isn’t a criminal, but he has played the price of one. So I try to keep his heart going.

It was soon after this letter that he was moved closer to home. At least the same side of Texas, but still far away. Due to lies from guards and planting a weapon in his cell, he started what ended up being 4 years on solitary, or adseg, and also G5. That is when you are really alone. It was also 4 1/2 more years before he was every allowed to make a phone call. Two weeks later they found away to take that away from him, too, while trying to live with impossible rules that no one on the outside could ever live with. A world where a guard is always right and you are always wrong, no matter what the situation is.)

34 thoughts on “In Prison, Who Do You Have to Care About Your Day?

    1. I know quite a few older people 80 and older. Some are alone. A few never had children or are estranged from them. To reach that age and have no one to care about you I think would be very depressing. Younger people would decide to not have any kids don’t realize there will be no grandchildren to love them either. No birthday cards to send. That is just one example. I see lonely people who have medical problems and no one to help care for them on bad days. My mother is in her 80’s and I moved close to her almost 5 years ago. Being able to spend time with her has made both of us very happy.

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    1. I sat here and read your words through several times. I am right now preparing an email to send to him. ( I can email, through http://jpay.com. his ID is 1368189 but he has to write back) I am sending responses to this blog to him so he can write replies himself that i can post. I will include this one to him. Thank you.

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        1. What you say means a lot to me. So many people think that if you’re in prison you’re a criminal and that’s that. There are many people who have gotten caught in a bad situation. Once the system has you they own you. I had no idea when we started writing 8 years ago that it would become this. My son says I have a strange hobby. hobby? My daughter, mother of Jamie’s son says? “Why are you doing this?” Why? Keeping the contact between father and son is so important for both of them. I see his heart. If I hadn’t been there for him he would have gotten sucked into too much despair during his times in solitary. More than once he tried too kill himself because the depth of being alone is so hard to deal with. He’s stronger now. I attribute that to teaching him about Buddhism and that his life has value. He knows I’m out here and he’s not alone. recently, for two weeks he had phone privileges. For the first time ever we could talk. But they took the privileges away and I don’t know for how long. He never got a chance to talk to his son, and his natural mother never even hook up her phone so they could talk.

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            1. It is people like you who keep me going and focused on this project. As we are all human, getting validation on things we work so hard on, keeps putting gas in the tank ( or keeps the plug in the wall, if you have an electric car ) and I stretch myself to keep going a little longer. This is, until I fall out of my chair, or bang my face on the computer keyboard! lol ( which has come close several times.) Thank you.

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            2. Smiling…. thank u so much for such a placement in your life and I pray for long life for you so you dont hit your head any time soon… I already have found a friend in you.. and you also inspire me… more love…

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            3. At the start of the day, looking at the mountain of things I want to accomplish, and I see a response like yours, it gives me the incentive to try harder. I can’t express how much your words mean to me. Thank You

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    1. Your reply tells me the hours I spend on this has been worth it. I hope you return and keep reading, there is always so much more to write about as his story expands. The menu button under the hands will take you to a menu of pages. These are not posts, but other things I have written about the information I find and also tells you why I write about this man. Have you ever known exactly what you are supposed to do with your life and the need to work on it every day becomes before most everything else? This is what it means to me.

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    1. Thank you. That means more to me than you can possible know. My hands just play what I feel. i was in pain that day, not physical, despair. Sometimes when play I plug it into my computer. If you are interested – at the top of the site where the pages are you will see one that says piano music links. I haven’t finished putting the title of the posts in yet but you will find all of them on scattered posts.

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        1. How old is he? It is so hard in many schools now because they have taken out enrichment classes out or anything else that children found fun to learn. You may want to look on Youtube as well. There are quite a few different people who have some very good series on music lessons and much can be learned from that. it doesn’t take the place of a good teacher, but a teacher can make or break whether they ever develop a love to play ( as I was telling a teenage piano student just this evening!)

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          1. He is 5 years old. I am new in this country so I don’t have much idea about the school system. But he loves music, so right now I have enrolled him for a introductory music class. So he can have a broader view.
            I was an Indian classical dance teacher for 10 years. And learned music too. I totally believe that a teacher can either make the subject more interesting or not. And I think at very young age very structured lessons won’t be that interesting. I try to teach him basics of Indian music. I will sure try youtube lessons. It’s nice to talk to people . Thanks you so much for your concern.

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            1. At the age of 5 they are so open to learn to be creative. I have some videos of two of my grandchildren at 6 and 7. My son on keyboard, ( excellent players – mostly boogie woogie type music.) His son is playing the upper keys and his daughter is on guitar. In fact i just remembered I put a clip of his son playing on a post on my website http://watchandwhirl.com “Don’t Play the music, let the Music Play you” There is clip about half way don’t the page. When he plays his little body is just twitching he is so into what he’s doing, while my son played some place notes to keep the rhythm anchored

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            2. Sorry for the late reply. We were out of town. I will sure saw this clips to him. He would love that. We have some instruments at home or he just makes instruments from anything.
              Talking to you about this means a lot to me. I really appreciate your interest.

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  1. It must be so loving and moving moment ,yet the hardest to read MOM allover his letters. I really feel for him. And I wish that other people may learn a lesson on how being at wrong place at wrong time can change your life forever.

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    1. He needed his mother and his mother wasn’t there for him. There is so much I could write about that but he asked that I not. Regardless he loves her. He feels it is all his fault she doesn’t write or help him get simple things, so i help him. BUT she did go see him on his birthday last month and it made him so happy. I also have a friend in Texas who goes to see him about every 6 weeks and that is a tremendous help.

      What I haven’t written yet because I’m waiting for his letter – after waiting years to get out of solitary, he was in there for reasons out of his control mixed with lies from guards – he did finally get out in Nov and we had our very first phone calls. We talked for 2 weeks – but they found a way to put him back in solitary – again because of lies and of course it is not possible for a guard to lie. It is always the inmate who lies. I got one quick call from him saying what was happening before they cut off communication so I don’t know how long he’s in for this time. I know how hard this is for him. He was waiting for his first contact with his son. FIRST contact visit. He is 8 1/2. He was born after he was incarcerated. He must be crushed.

      Can you explain your name or how it is pronounced?

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      1. My name is Vinanti that is vi-nan-ti . you can call me Vinni if it is easier. It means request in Indian language.
        I really hope things start taking better turns for Jamie.

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        1. I’m not sure if you saw my last post. I didn’t check. They put him back in solitary about 10 days ago. My friend who lives in Texas went to see him last Sunday he was so depressed. I’m going to start sending him all the replies and get him to personally reply to them. Let him know there are people are there. So if you’d write a post directly to him I can email it to him and he can reply in longhand and I can post it. I was afraid this would happen. It’s happened before. You are always wrong and guards are always right. I’m working on the book tonight and stopped to look up something he write and saw this msg I missed.

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          1. I would love to do that. I am busy for few days. But I sure will get back to you one I get chance.
            You are such a great soul. I am glad I found you here. So I can learn compassion from you.

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            1. The people we connect to? We learn from each other. There is always something to learn, and when you do – pass it on. It is the people connections that will change the wold, not the laws they pass. I have truly made some wonderful friends all over the world. When I was young, driving into another state seemed like a wondrous experience. This is funny – when I was young – maybe around 10-12, I would call the telephone operators in other states, just to talk to someone SO FAR away, and calling the operator didn’t cost anything. I also knew a girl who lived in Iowa. That seemed like a foreign country to me. I remember asking her if they even had typewriters there where she lived! Our world has gotten much smaller since then!

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