(Sonni’s note:) If you’ve had the opportunity to read other posts that have music links, or have gone to the page at the top that says https://mynameisjamie.net/music-links/ then you know I compose music and play the piano. But what I do is all improvisation. I create what I feel, and record as I play. My music is the tangible result of my emotions. Yesterday I recorded another piece called ‘Blindfolded Pain’ because I played only by feel, not sight. This piece is very painful to me. I was in pain in my heart. I’ve sat and closed my eyes and just listened to the dissonance of the notes that sometimes grate together, and cried, listening to the intervals between the notes, and when you think it is over, it quietly starts again, and again, and again until the light is gone.
September 9, 2010 Written from the Smith Unit in La Mesa, Tx, a long way from any family
Four and a half years before today
(Sonni’s Note: I will be posting each older later the day I transcribe and leave it at this date for 6 months. I will then transfer it to the correct date. Since Many people Don’t start at the beginning, it needs to initially be published as a new post.)
How are you doing. Fine, I pray. As for me, well, before I begin my letter I want to apologize about my last letter. It’s just that things are getting so stressful as time passes. To tell the truth, it doesn’t help any when I don’t hear back from the ones I love. I’m facing and looking at some bad things. I’ve had a fight, I’ve been threatened by 3 people. I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I haven’t told the officers. Well, if I do that, they’re going to write up a statement, mom. If I give them a statement they are going to write up the person I’m having problems with. They will also place a copy of my statement on his write up. Then I would not only have to worry about him, but others as well. I would also to worry about the officers telling other inmates. So no matter what, I’m in a no win situation. I don’t feel safe on this unit, but I have to deal with it until they move me.
I know if I tell the officers it won’t help me none. Officers have some inmates they tell things to. I’ve seen people get jumped on because of an officer telling him to. I’ve also seen officers and heard them do some backstabbing things, mom. There’s no help in here. I want to come home, but it’s going be hard when when I hear inmates and officers against me with no help. I don’t know what to do. I’m ready to give up, but something tells me to keep trying and don’t give up. To me, I feel that’s hard to do. I’m not ready to give up. I feel this way because the feeling of me being given up on keeps coming back. I’m strong in so many ways, however, so I will keep trying, family, or not.
However, I could uses some advice, mom. Please, I need it. Things are so stressful on me right now, mom. I love Megan and the kids and I also love my family. I will do anything I have to do, so if I have to fight, you must understand. Understand that these people are going to try to hurt me. I want to see my family again, both of them, so I’m going to do what I have to do, mom. I can take care of myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about Megan ever since she wrote me. I can sit and write about how much it hurts when she don’t write, however it’s not going to help nothing. One day I’ll get over the spaces of her not writing. Not just her, but everyone else as well. I just feel so left out.
However, now that I think about it, I’ve had someone by my side all along. Someone who’s helped me, given me support, given me good advice when I needed it and been there for me. Thank you mom, without you being there for me and letting me know how Megan and the kids are from time to time, I would have lost it. Thanks again, mom.
Again, I’m sorry about the last letter. I was upset at myself and the world. It’s my fault I’m in this situation. Things will change one day I’m sure. It seems seems to get harder every day. But I guess it’s just me worrying too much. Well, I must say that I’m thankful for the money and the books you’ve sent me, mom. However, I can’t keep asking you to help me. That’s why I asked you not to send me anything. I know you say you’re doing okay with it. But my family won’t help me. That’s why I haven’t asked you for anything in several months. Also because I know you are having problems of your own. I know things might be tight, so I’m okay.
I haven’t heard from you in awhile so I assume you’ve moved due to the fact of me not hearing from you. (Sonni’s note: Two weeks before he wrote this letter I had to pack up my home and my store to make a move from Key West to Pa to see a good liver transplant specialist. The transition was hard.)
I sure hope things are okay,mom. How’s the weather up there? It’s starting to get chilly. I don’t like the cold. What’s the weather like in Pa? (sonni’s note: I hate the cold. Anything below 60 degrees lol. But today I’d even settle for 50!) I just know things are still beautiful there. Tell your mom I said hello okay? How’s things going with your sister? She still have a chip on her shoulder? I wonder why some people hate others when they don’t know nothing about them. I really don’t understand that. Maybe it’s because you and Mike are happy together. Some people hate to see others happy. Don’t worry mom, I’m sure she’ll get over whatever it is she has a problem with.
Well, I have to go for now, mom. Love always,Son
Love you Mom (in fancy script)
(Sonni’s note: So much sadness and loneliness in this letter. Since he had been inside now just over 9 years, this was written about the halfway mark. I always felt him to be a gentle person with a good heart. It’s hard when you are frightened into to taking a plea by being scared by your public defender telling you the judge could give you 99 years, for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. When he left the house that night to go out partying with his cousin, as 22 year old young men do, and if you had been kept in juvy for 4 years when it was supposed to be 9 months because a cop barged unto their home when it was clear there was no need,he had no chance at having a life. The cop knocked his mother down and broke her wrist. Jamie hit him with a broom in defense of his mother. But we all know that cops are always right. There isn’t a black heart in any cop, right? They always serve and protect. Jamie isn’t a criminal, but he has played the price of one. So I try to keep his heart going.
It was soon after this letter that he was moved closer to home. At least the same side of Texas, but still far away. Due to lies from guards and planting a weapon in his cell, he started what ended up being 4 years on solitary, or adseg, and also G5. That is when you are really alone. It was also 4 1/2 more years before he was every allowed to make a phone call. Two weeks later they found away to take that away from him, too, while trying to live with impossible rules that no one on the outside could ever live with. A world where a guard is always right and you are always wrong, no matter what the situation is.)