December 3, 2009
I’m sorry it took so long for me to write back. Things are not so good on my end right now. I haven’t heard from Megan in like a month. I’ve beat myself up about that and went downhill at the same time. I don’t know what’s going on. However, it’s not like her, mom. The last time she went without writing, something was wrong. I don’t know what it is but I feel like she’s losing her love for me. In a way I kinda understand it. Then again I don’t. I guess because I don’t want to let go of her. Mom, I promise you, your daughter is the only woman I have ever loved. Not just because she and I treasure a son together. We have that bond I feel that loves and respects each other. To me that bond is so strong, taking it away would be like taking away half of me. Why? Because she is the other half of me, mom.
“Tears Like Blood From a Wound” – by Sonni Quick copyright 2015
My eyes are always streaming tears, like blood from a wound that can never heal, just thinking about life without her and the kids. I’m really hurting right now, because like I said mom, I’m downhill right now. I’ve been in a fight. This happened almost a month ago. I’m on a 24 hour lockdown now for a year. However it’s good because there really is nothing to do that can get me in trouble. They don’t let us out the cell for any reason. Everything comes to us unless we really need to go to medical. If they take us we’re in cuffs.
Anyway, this is how I got into the fight. Me and some of the officers have had our run ins. Some of them have grudges and continue to hold it against me. It just so happened there was an officer at the pill window the night this happened. There was this dude in front of me calling out the officer’s name. The officer came over to write me up. I told him it wasn’t me. He said he didn’t believe me so we went back and forth about it. I didn’t tell him it was the dude in front of me. People have been known for getting beat up bad for telling. I’m trying to stay out of trouble. So I go to the dude and try to talk to him about it. I end up getting punched in the mouth. I was shocked for a minute because all I wanted to do was talk to him. Anyway, I let my anger get the best of me and fought back. The real reason I did that is because in here, if you don’t fight when it comes your way everyone looks at it. Then it’s hell from then on if you know what I’m saying. After they run court on us the the dude apologized and said he tried to take the case. The rage in me wanted to jump on him. I felt he took a lot from me, mom. I only had five months left to be able to get contact visits so I could hold my family. He took that away from me. Now I have to wait another eighteen months. No matter what I do there is always something there to take it away from me.
(Sonni’s note: This letter was written more than 5 1/2 years ago. If every woman could have a man love her as much as he loved Megan she would be very lucky. Lost love in prison. Time stood still for him. If put this in the past tense because he has had to find a way to continue on without her. When he says that she is the only woman he has loved he is right. She is the only woman who was in his life, and she was good to him. She loved him and she wrote for a long time, but life had to go on for her. He doesn’t blame her for that but it still hurts his heart. But from her point of view, being responsible for his happiness knowing she had to move on ended up making her resentful and angry. Promises to wait for 17 years were made without understanding it won’t be possible to keep the promise. So life went on for her and it stopped for him. All he has is memories of her and the life he they could have had. Was that life even possible? He spent four years in juvy, had no education and no real life experience. How could he possibly take care of a family of five with her two other kids? Love alone isn’t enough. She now resents my relationship with him. She thinks its weird. She doesn’t want me to ever mention his name again.
The fact remains that it isn’t just the two of them. There is a nine year old boy I know needs to have his father in his life as much as possible. When Jamie thinks of his future, it involves being able to be a father to his son. His son needs to understand there are consequences to actions. Being black means those consequences can be very severe. 1 out of 27 adults in Texas are locked up. And of those, there are six times more blacks than whites. The odds for a black man are not good. What this means is that ONE out of every THREE black men see the inside of a prison cell. Most of all, my grandsons need to understand how much racism there is in our police and our justice system and know that fairness doesn’t apply to them. Unfortunately they live in one of the most racist states. I have three grandchildren who are half black and two of them are boys. The youngest one is a couple years younger than Jamie. I also know that getting out of prison is only one battle. Reintegrating into society again and being able to survive is probably tougher than being inside. The term, being “institutionalized” is very real. Being free is not always a good feeling. This is why I work so hard to be there for him. He deserves another chance to be happy.
I have told this to many people, many times: “The only legacy you ever really leave behind when you die is the affect you have had on other people.” You live on through them.
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