January 16, 2016
Hello mom, How are you? Fine and in the best of health I hope. As for me, so far,no trouble. I have been staying to myself. It’s okay here, just a little weird. I have a neighbor who is really coo-coo. He talks to himself and when gets mad he goes off on everyone around him. So guess who gets the first verbal ass whippin’? Lol, yep, me.
As of right now the unit is on lockdown, so there is not much going on. I’m waiting to see the doctor. I should see him this Friday or Monday. They have charged me with a new co-pay of $100 so they will taking half of the money you send me until it is paid.
Right now now I’m a level 3. I’m only allowed to have one visit per month. I’ll receive my level 2 in 30 days only if I do not get any major cases. I don’t plan on getting any. Life is life and no one knows the outcome of the future. However I do know the causes and effects. Only I can stop myself from being who I really want to be. I’m going to let the past be the past. I am in control. I have just been allowing my anger to get the better half of me. However, I also knew that half the time the guards at the Wynne Unit I had to deal with were the same ones all the time and I knew what their routine was going to be every day. They would spend time talking shit at me to pass the time. I knew it would not be long before I blew my top and put my hands on one of them.
You have no idea of the suffering I went through the last few weeks there. Before I was moved to Allred Unit I was sprayed two days in a row with a big ass can of pepper spray. then they tossed me back in the same cell with no water because they turned it off. I also had all my stuff taken away from me again. This takes the cake: Then they rammed my head into a glass window. Now I will say that half of that was my fault, but it wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t taken my property. All of this happened because I tried to help someone else. they don’t like it when you do that. I always end up in deep shit because I try to help someone. It’s the risk I take. I try to help people who are new when they don’t know the rules. The officers get mad when I do that so they lash out at me. When I tried to talk to them with respect they looked at me like I got shit on my face. It’s crazy.
That way was the past. New unit, new year. I should only be here until I get out of ad seg. I will then go to a program. I can make parole from here in seg. It’s going to take a little time but it’s worth a shot. It takes a year to get my line class yet. I have to do a year anyway in seg. Well, really it’s a little more than a year. I’ll be okay so don’t worry. So far everything is okay, besides the nut next to me.
I’ve been sleeping better lately, which is good, because I haven’t slept good in awhile. At night I do some chanting, exercise, deep breathing and meditation that I learned from a prison magazine called “Turn it up”. It’s pretty good. There are some websites I wrote down that I wrote down from it. One of them is on a woman named M. Alexander. If it is possible, could you order me a book called “New Jim Crow Organizing?”
(Sonni’s note: I have written about Michele Alexander. The full title of this book is: The New Jim Crow. Mass incarceration in the age of colorblindness. http://newjimcrow.com/ I recommend going to this website and reading about it.)
You have come to know me so well, so you know pretty much when something is wrong. Please call Wynne Unit and ask again about my property. I am so afraid they won’t send it all to me. They have all my letters and books and all of my pictures. They have everything I own that is my life and much of it can’t be replaced.
I have so much mixed emotions about the truth. Sad but true. I have come to realize that my communication with my family has run out. I think of them and it hurts me. However, when I am just going about my day, I am fine. The last visit I got from my mother she told me my brother was outside, but that he wouldn’t come in and see me. Did he not want to see me? Was my mother telling me the truth? Telling the truth may not be what she does, thinking about others things she said. I was hurt when she said my brother didn’t want to see me, but I got over it. I try to put it behind me but it pops up here and there and I would say to myself, fuck him. But I can’t be mad at him, because I’m here because of me, not him, but it would help if I had my family. As far as my mom, I just can’t bring myself to say anything bad about her. Yeah, it hurts like hell that I have not had her support while I’ve been here these last ten years. But there is nothing I can about that in here.
(Sonni’s note: I have reasons to believe that his mother wasn’t telling the truth about his brother being outside but not wanting to come in. He loves his brother and was hurt thinking he came so close – outside the building – and wouldn’t come in. something sounds wrong with that. His mother has said other things that weren’t true, like telling him who his father is – he has never known – and saying that they got married and that he is an x-cop. Jamie started writing letters to him that were never answered. He even sent him a birthday card, so was that made up, too? I asked her once to help pay his medical fee, which has to be paid every year, and she blew me off. She told him this exactly a year ago during a rare visit. But funny, she lives alone and recently moved again. She never got married to anyone. Would someone in his family told him his mother got married – and to his father no less? Wasn’t that supposed to be a happy thing? She gave him hope and broke his heart with it. Why do you think he calls me mom? )
This letter is to be continued . . .
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