You told me that most inmates who get out end up back inside again – 71%. That’s because that is how many go out in the world with the thought of making a change for themselves. some of them talk about making fast money. They talk about getting a job but doing something illegal on the side. Me, when I get out I want a job and I want to have my son in my life. I really want to talk to young males about the system. Not just black males, everyone.
I don’t want to scare them. I want to tell them the truth about how I spent my life behind bars; how I lost so many years I could have been doing something with my life. I want to tell them how I was treated by other inmates and officers. I don’t know why but it’s hard to put it on paper. I try sometimes, but something always happens. Sometimes the officers go through my stuff and (poof!) it disappears, like they don’t the information to get out. They did it to keep me down.
Anyway, I just want kids to know the truth as well as some of them who call themselves homeboys til they get put in a situation. I want them to know that life is nothing without freedom. Freedom is something the world has fought so hard for, only to give it away with a bad choice we made in life.
That is what I want to do. Schools, boys and girls clubs, Juvenile detention halls, internet, radio stations, etc. I’ve tried my best to stay on Jamie about somethings, however I know it’s nothing like me talking to him face to face. I said something to him about what goes on in the world. I ask him to be careful and stay away from trouble, although cops will make trouble for him even if he does nothing so he has to be aware of what is happening around him.
I wrote to Jamie and asked him if he has been reading like I asked him to. I told him to take 30 minutes to an hour to read and never be scared to ask for help. I tell him about stuff I hear on the news about kids. I just word it different and ask him to be careful when he’s outside. I need to spend more time parenting in prison than I have been. Sometimes I get caught up in my own problems when I should be building our relationship stronger.
Change of subject. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to write to my family and ripped the letter up after writing only a couple sentences. My mind goes black or there are things I want to say but don’t want to hurt anyone or make them mad, even though I am the one who should be mad. I think that is why I lash out at people. I have so much built up inside of me. By doing that is how I created more negative karma. You’re right, you can’t change anything through anger.
I understand you not liking the fact of me being in ad seg. Being here at the Allred Unit doesn’t have to be the same unless I make it the same. Now I am more focused than I have ever been. It’s quiet. I can think. I can chant without being bothered – and I can move the universe. When this is over I will stay on a positive track. I have changed my way of talking to the officers. I thank them for everything. I even say please to them now. This is something I haven’t really done before. However, I have to come to understand, if I stay respectful to them, they will to me. When I ask them something they will listen to me and then let me know if they can help me or not. Not once have I been turned down for help. But I don’t put anything past them because I know they work together.
I can’t wait until you come to visit. I hope it won’t be too much longer. It’s been so long.
Love always, Son
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