Dear mom, and hello beautiful.
First I want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. and most of all thank you for going out of your way to bring my son to see me. First visit in three years, and a special visit at that! Two days. Two days to see my son. No one would bring him but you. To know you cared that much to do this means so much to me. I had a chance to learn a lot more about him as well as being able to enjoy time with him. I noticed he is very open to people. He loves to make friends. I was the same way, only the people I chose to be friends with were not friends. So I will talk to him about that. I told him he could talk to me about anything. I want us to be able to have a real father son – bond. I want him to know he can come to me as he grows, and that he can trust me and talk. I feel that we bonded more than at the last visit, but then he is older, turning 10 on July 12.
No, it does not make up for all the time I have missed, but no one thought it was important enough for him or for me to bring him to see me. No one cared about my family, my son – at all. What was most important is we opened up to each other and that is what matters.
We even share smiles. I didn’t show him, but I can do the same tummy rolls he showed me, but I can’t wiggle my ears like he does! Lol. Everyone has a special talent. Maybe that is his. We just have to take the time to find out what they are. I play that visit over and over in my mind as much as I can.
Now I want you to know I enjoyed your visit as well. Your company really means a lot to me. Being able to spend two days talking was more than I had hoped for. I didn’t want to hope too much in case it fell through for some reason. I loved looking at you ( since we don’t ever get to see a woman that isn’t in a guard uniform and trust me they aren’t much to look at.) I guess what I’m saying is that I was really watching you. That is why I wasn’t doing so much talking. I was just taking it all in and trying to remember everything. I appreciate everything you have done for me. Many men in here don’t have someone who has stood by them for ten years the way you have, no matter what, being there for me when I needed someone. You trust me when I say I am trying hard to do things right and that I want to have a good life when I get out.
Only you know who I am right now. However that is fixing to change because I am going to write a few of my family members. I know they won’t write back. I just want them to see who I am now. But to tell you the truth they probably won’t pick up on it. All they have to do is read my letter carefully and they will see the different person I am. I want them to know me as a man. I’m not a kid anymore. I want them to know me as an older person. I never write to them anymore because I feel like I’m just wasting stamps because no one writes back. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
I’m getting sleepy so I’ll write more later. . .
(Sonni’s note: We don’t appreciate life until we almost lose it. It would be hard to imagine losing ten years of my life to a prison, but in some ways we did the time together. Not literally, of course. I have had ten hard years with some pretty hefty mountains to climb and he has been there encouraging me when I needed it most. When I think about it, he has been there through some major things, just like I have been there through his. I believe he’s been honest with me about things that have happened and I helped him as much as I could. We’ve become very good friends who impacted each others life.
Does the time go by fast or slow? Do the years just blend together? If he never makes parole, which is a toss up, he still has six and a half years to go. He is right. He went in a boy and will come out a 40 year old man and I will be 69. His son will be nearly 17. My husband will be 76. Life keeps marching on. Aging in prison is not where you want to age. There has been so much he has had to learn about himself and the biggest thing has been controlling his emotions. But many people have that problem. I see it every day. But if he can learn something that will benefit him later then he can take one good thing from this experience.
There is no way of knowing what kind of life he would have had if this didn’t happen, but I doubt he and my daughter would be together as a family. I have worked with him teaching him things about life he needed to know, but had no one to teach him. Most of all he needed to know he had someone who believed in him; someone who believed he had special talents, too, who wouldn’t judge him by what he did, but by the potential he possessed. This was a new thought for him, that there was someone who would help him open the door and reach for better things. But if you don’t even know what those better things could be, how could you reach for them? I’m going to be on the better side of old when he gets out. Life will be completely different than when he went in. Right now he is inside the forbidden outside. Later he will be outside and life will be challenging. I believe he will have a better life than he would have had he not gone in. There is a positive inside every negative. He will have to find out what that is.)
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