I wish I had a newer picture to use to show you of Jamie and his son, but when we visited they weren’t taking pictures that day. They only do it the first weekend of each month. The trade-off is that we were there for father’s day and that meant a lot to Jamie. He told me, “You live so far away yet you are the only one who cared enough to bring see my son to see me. I’ll never forget that.”
Dear mom, July 25, 2016
Here it is yet another day, after another day. Will they bring me pancakes again today? We’ve already had pancakes four times this week. Sometimes with peanut butter, sometimes with applesauce and sometimes with shaved pineapple along with oatmeal.
Well, just so you know, I did write to my uncle, the parole officer in Dallas that I stayed with a long time ago when I was teenager, the year I was in 9th grade. My mom thought I would do better out there. I started the letter off doing something I never did before. I thanked him and his wife for wanting to give me a chance at a new start in life, even though I turned down his offer to stay and went home after I did the year. I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I had stayed there and not gone back to Nacogdoches. I should have stayed. But as you have said, karma is karma. There are causes we have made in the past that have to have their effects. I understand that more. I asked him for addresses of family and asked how everyone was doing. I gave him the info about where I was and told him to give it to my mother. Maybe she doesn’t know where I am and that is why I haven’t heard from her. I always want to give excuses because I don’t want to believe reality.
I told him about our visit and you bringing my son to see me. I told him how much I enjoyed it. I also sent him an up to date picture of Jamie. It angers me that Jamie don’t get to see more of my family. Anyway, I almost got mad just thinking about it. Come to think about it, that’s what happens most of the time when I write Megan. I get mad and just go off. I would ask her why the hell I couldn’t see my son? I would just start speaking my mind to her about her not bringing him. It hasn’t been fair. He’s my son, too. She didn’t make him by herself.
She promised me a long time ago she’d be there and bring him and she broke her promise. She wrote back and said to stop talking shit. Yes, I would talk shit. He is my son! He is not her boyfriend’s son. He is not my son’s father and never will be. I know she’s telling him to call her boyfriend dad but Jamie knows who is father is. My son loves me and he has a father who loves him but has to go through hell and back because his mother is selfish and doesn’t think of that. I have tried in the past to be positive but it just gets to me. I think I have a right to let it get to me. All I ever got were excuses why she couldn’t come.
I’m sorry about that. I got carried away. It hurts. And it hurts because he never gets to see any of my family. But they haven’t tried to see him, either. I wish Megan and my family talked. I know she talked to my brother but I know my brother doesn’t care about me. He made that clear.
I only have 4 stamps. I’ve been selling my lunch trays. I’m going to write my grandmother and my cousin. Hopefully, I can go to commissary at the end of August. We’re still on lockdown, but they let some other dudes go, so maybe I can go.
Right now I’m a level three. I am only allowed to by hygiene and stamps, paper and pen at the commissary. No food. If you could send me an ecomm box with bags of coffee; they are $2.15 and fruit and mint sticks that are .10 each, I can trade them for stamps. The dudes in here sure do like their sweets. I can get a stamp for just 2 sticks. Less than the price of a stamp in the commissary. Also soap if you can. I can trade for things with soap. I also need deodorant and toothpaste and some chips and soup if you can. I have to pay the inmate worker in stamps for him to get it for me. Stamps are currency. But it is how we get the things we need if we can’t go to commissary or if they won’t let us buy it.
(Sonni’s note: Jamie is allowed again to get what is called an ecomm box. Four times a year he can get a box worth $60. It can be spread over several months if he wants. I can send food he can keep in his cell for times the unit is put on lockdown or he is unable to go to the commissary.)
I must say you are the busiest person I know with all the things you do. I don’t know how you do it. Your birthday is coming up. I hope you and Mike go out and do something nice for yourselves. Take a walk. Enjoy the air. Do the things I can’t do. Say hello to your mom and tell her I am chanting for her, too. You are good to your mom, especially after her stroke. I know it is going to add more work to your day when she comes home and you are willing to be there. That is the way kids should treat their mom, but no everyone does. I know your told me about how your one sister treats her and she should be ashamed. You should never disrespect your mom. How you treat people comes back at you. I knew that even before Buddhism but I didn’t know how to understand it. It is the way I would like to treat my mom, but I never see her and she doesn’t care how I’m doing. That is really messed up. But for Jamie, when I get out I will be the best dad I can be and no one can stop me.
I was a boy when I came in here, but I’m not a boy anymore. I will be there for him.
Lots of love to you, too, for being there for me when I needed you. Anyone would be lucky to have you for a mom – Jamie
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