turn back time

What happens when I get out? I will want to live right, get a job and care for my family, but because I have been locked up, everyone who looks at me will only see is a person who has failed. It won’t matter who I am or why. Do you know why so many end up back in prison? I’ve talked to so many men over these years who have been in and out and back in again. It’s because during the time they are in here all they do is talk about doing what they did to get in prison the whole time they are in here. They can’t see themselves living any other kind of life. Some want to change but theyj think next time they won’t get caught.

You are right, depression is an issue for many. It’s too much to put on paper, really. Just so you know, I talked to a lady from Mental Health. She sees the stress and depression in here. She also told me she saw some thinking errors in our conversation. Of course I had left out a lot. We talked about my mom. I’m worried I might lose her while I’m in here. That scares me.

Okay now, get this. I promise you it happened. I woke up at the some time in the morning, crying. I was really sobbing. I looked at my clock and it was blinking. I was afraid. It was fear of what will happen. I knew it was 3 something. I could hear the guards. They were feeding breakfast. Why was I crying? I had this dream of being called to the fourth floor of a hospital only to be told my mom was dead. I remember in the dream I called my brother Anti to tell him. Then I just broke down. Yes, some of it is fear of what will happen. The struggle is always hard.

There will always be obstacles. Where will I live? I don’t know. I don’t want to stay in a halfway house. Texas is not where I want to be, but it is where my son is. I’ve never been anywhere else. This is not a good state for me. I want to see what else is out there. Wouldn’t it be great to take a road trip and drive all over and see everything? How do I know where I want to be if I haven’t been anywhere at all except inside walls?

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7 thoughts on “What Happens After Prison?

    1. I was going to contact you but it got away from me. I put a link to an article in your blog in my newsletter. There is a link to the newsletter in my last blog post. I wish I had put a box around it, though, to have it stand out more. Each month it grows. The starts this month were the best so far. I wish I could get them out a little faster but there is so much to type. I think you are on the mailing list aren’t you? That’s the hardest part, growing the list, but a few more are added each month. No pressure, put if you could reblog it I’d put you at the top of my Christmas card list!

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you – very much. Yes, i checked and saw you there. Sometimes I get so very bogged down playing catch up every day. Trying to work on his book through everything else – well, as you can see it is 3:30 am and I’m still sitting here!

          Liked by 1 person

      1. My only brother’s son has had years in and out of jail. This last stint was an agreement so my brother wouldn’t have to testify, he got 8 years. He gets out the end of this year, in September, around his 42 birthday. I believe he has already has it in his mind to go back. I say this in sympathy knowing Jamie’s aquired knowledge from the use of the libraries, any and all ways to better himself. Troy, my only nephew didn’t make that effort. Still scheming and scamming he plans to make the fast way. He always wanted to start at the top. The only advice I can give him is no advice.  Meaning, I’m not offering. One if my brother’s main faults was guilt. He feeds on it. And his son is dishing it out left and right. Ya’ can’t get clean on promises. I don’t have any idea why? I sent this feedback to you other than to let you know, yep, I’m still on your mailing list. 

        Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

        Liked by 1 person

        1. No, thank you for writing it. Troy is 42, and thinks if he schemes a little smarter he can get away with things better next time? There is no fast way. he should have learned that by now. Fast ways aren’t legal ways. You would think at 42 he would be a little smarter because that way NEVER works. If he’s been in more than once you would think he would have learned that by now. But he’s a grown man. Keep telling your brother his son’s choices are not his fault. It’s hard as a parent. I look back on my own life and see how my life affected my children, dragging them around on the road with me as a musician and working nights and couldn’t be home. I was a single parent. But they are responsible for their own choices. A bumpy road sometimes, but isn’t everyone’s? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes. Some people can’t survive on the outside because they can’t take responsibility for their actions. They need someone telling them to do everything and all their friends are inside, too. It isn’t your brother’s fault if he goes back again.

          Unfortunately Jamie has never been able to go to a library and they have never given him any opportunity to better himself or take a class which will hurt any chance at parole someday when they ask him what he’s done. But I’ve bought him a lot of books and 4 GED books because they keep disappearing but he has hope for the future. He does not want to go back. More than anything. That is the mindset you have to have or society will eat you up. Good to hear from you.

          Like

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