What Goes Around Comes Around – ITFO Chapter

last-note-2-sm

 

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

 

Startled, Jamie woke up when he heard the food cart coming down the hall with breakfast. He sat up quickly and looked around. It took a few seconds to get his bearings. He half expected Sonni to be there waiting for him to wake up. What had happened earlier? It was confusing. It happened so fast he didn’t have time to put it all together.
     Did he dream the whole thing? He could have. He shook his head back and forth as if trying to clear the picture in his brain. It was surreal, like no dream he ever had before. He would like to think it was real, that Sonni had actually been standing next to him in his cell but that was crazy.
    Loneliness got to him. He heard some of the dudes who had been locked up by themselves for a long time sometimes talked to people they thought they saw in their cells but he knew he wasn’t that far gone.
     If he told anyone what he saw they would think he was nuts. He should write to her today and tell her what happened last night. She’d get a kick out of it. It did seem kinda funny looking back at it. That guard probably thought he’d gone off the deep end, unless he dreamed the whole thing. Jamie could laugh about it now, but last night he really thought he was going crazy.

<<< >>>

It was still dark when his breakfast tray was slid through the food slot. There wasn’t enough light to read or write letters so he laid down and went back to sleep.
     Later in the day he took some paper out of his locker and began drawing the lines going across like a writing tablet. He did it slowly. You could hardly tell it want printed on the paper. He stopped every few minutes and laughed a little as he tried to frame the words of the story he wanted to tell her. After that there was something else he needed to write about. She wanted to know more about the night he was arrested. He didn’t want to dredge it up but she needed to know from him what had happened.
     That’s the bad thing about storytelling. Everyone had their own opinion about what happened and why. A story can grow legs until the truth is barely there. She had heard more than one version of that night and he was the one to tell it. He lived it.
     People remembered what they wanted to remember and when they told a story they added their own details until it sounds like a different story. This was why he needed to write it out once and for all.
     There was one main thing he wanted Sonni to know, and it was important to him. It wasn’t his intention to get mixed up in a robbery that night. He was going out to party with a few other dudes. Morgan lost her car that night. It got impounded. He wouldn’t have done that. He was only guilty of not having good judgement about the people he hung with.
     After four years in juvenile detention from age seventeen to twenty one, Jamie didn’t know how to make the right friends. Everyone he knew was on the verge of becoming an adult felon when they got out. If kids were sent to juvy and shouldn’t be there they had to learn how to survive somehow. . . 

<<<>>>

The rest of the chapter is available to anyone who subscribes to ITFO News. You can leave me a comment and ask me to email it, send me a Facebook message or send an email to squick@mynameisjamie.net. I do not swamp your inbox. Promise. I’d like a way to reach you when it’s ready to publish, and any further ( hopefully ) books I write. A sequel it’s planned for this book. This book will end before he is released.

itfo newsletter

SUBSCRIBE

 

Twitter  @sonni-quick

Facebook  Jamie Life in Prison    

SonniQuick   Main music website – YouTube videos and separate music tracks – subscribe to a separate mailing list for music.

Watch and Whirl – my other blog –

 

 

 

Second Time Around

second time around

Words and music by Sonni Quick

copyright 2015

SECOND TIME AROUND
Dedicated to Bryan

Find your life
gather up the pieces
Heal a broken life
forget the pain
slowly time erases
Put it back together – again
in a way that shows the world
now who you are
learn to be a friend
to those who know your worth
is so much more
than you were outside that locked door
Take the time
to think before you act
Reach and hold the hand of those
that reach their hand toward you
Don’t let your old ways
decide how you react
Use anger in a better way
to teach the chosen few

Life dealt a crushing blow
to the soul of one so young
No one to protect you
from the time your life began
It’s not easy
to be a different man
It takes more courage
than simply wanting life to change
don’t find a single reason
or try to place the blame
or the effects of all your causes
will come full circle back to you
if you react the way you learned
that action will undo
and scatter all the pieces
you’ll be lost again
Remember
No matter what life gives you
you’re stronger than before
using all your past mistakes
to learn and grow a little more
Did you know the man inside
deserves a better life
and when you finally get to walk
out through the open door
don’t look back
that’s in the past
this new life that you’ve found
is the second time around

http://facebook.com/jamielifeinprison . . .Blog posts and news about injustice in the world

Sonni Quick piano music complete list

Prison is More Like Death Than Life

Moon from a prison window,solitary confinement, inmate mental health
Moon From a prison Window

(Sonni’s note: This is a re post. I wanted to bring it back into the picture. It was originally written early last year. It will help those who don’t know the story of Jamie and what happened in the year between being finally let out of juvy and ending up in prison. It was during this year he met my daughter and they had a baby who was born 7 months later. My daughter tried to be there for him but she was young and in her 20’s and knowing it would be a long time before he got out, she eventually went on to live her life. It left Jamie with no one. Because there was no one else to love, that last image of her he has carried with him as if it were yesterday. His own family has contacted him very infrequently and for a very long time it was just he and I, trying to get through his years of solitary confinement, also called ad seg or G5, as he was helping me get through years of extreme illness.

I found him to be a gentle soul, that due to circumstances, never had a chance to find out who he was. This is why I started the blog and why I started writing the book InsideOut, to validate his existence and try to turn these years from something negative to something positive. You can find two of the chapters of the book at the end of the paragraph. I would greatly appreciate any feedback you’d like to leave, and if you want to be on the mailing list for the book fill out the contact page at the bottom and state that it is for the book, as other contact forms are out there for other reasons.. https://mynameisjamie.net/2015/01/27/insideout/ and https://mynameisjamie.net/2015/02/26/insideout-chapter-nightmares/

photo credit: ynigogus.keep.pl
photo credit: ynigogus.keep.pl

Ahhh. . . The moon. It was a beautiful sight. However, I’ve been moved to another cell. I can no longer see outside. But I can still see the moon in my mind. Such a beautiful sight to see, it is. Sometimes my memories are the only thing standing in the way to insanity. Today it is my memory of the moon. It makes me want to write a poem.

Being alone so much there isn’t anything else to do but just sit and think. It makes me think a lot about my past. You told me it is foolish to get upset when I think about my past, but I think otherwise. When I sit back and read over old things I’ve done or remember things I really don’t want to, it hurts. I don’t need anymore pain. I realize now that I’ve been locked up most my life.

I loved the year I was home. I really enjoyed it. The mistake I made is that I passed up an opportunity. It hurts. When I got out of juvy I went to stay with my uncle, and I know for a fact if I had stayed with him I would not be here now. But I wanted to go back to Nacogdoches. My home. I think so much about that chance I passed up and it hurts me. I know I had a chance for a better life. Foolish, yes, indeed. But would something else have happened in Dallas? Was it my karma to be locked up?

If a cause had been made for that to happen sometime in my life, even if I don’t remember what it was, wouldn’t the effect happen no matter where I was? A person can’t run away from the the causes they make. It follows them. There is always cause and effect for everything. Things don’t happen for no reason. There can’t be an effect without a cause, and we can’t go somewhere else and expect things to be different. There is something inside of us we have to change first. I have to understand what that is. But still, I think of my life and it makes me sad. Almost like I wasted it. I have to find a way to do better.

Life inside these walls are more like death than life. No one was ever meant to live like this. I know I did something wrong but this kind of punishment far exceeds the crime. What people don’t know is there is so much that goes on in here that the world doesn’t know about. I really don’t see how the guards can go about their life knowing what goes on in here and the things that happen and then go on about their day pretending that what they do is okay. I think a lot of them like having control over other people. It brings out the worst in them. Who knows, maybe they get off on it.

(Sonni’s note: In Nichiren Buddhism there are different life conditions that a person has and one is called “the world of animality”. It’s also called “kick the dog syndrome” That means that someone who is crapped on by their boss goes home and takes it out on his wife and kid who goes over and kicks the dog. Each person wants to get over on the person beneath him so that he can feel in control. But how can these guards go home to their families and pretend their life is okay? What do they tell their kids about what they did at work that day? Do they want anyone to know how they mistreat people? I don’t see how they would. I think in the beginning that many of people who work here start out okay. They applied for a job that pays good and has benefits. They were probably never inside a prison before. It changes them. They lose the ability to have compassion. They don’t see inmates as human beings who have value. I can’t imagine what they say to each other. They get mean. They start to enjoy causing misery. It may not happen to everyone who works here, but I think it happens to many.)

There is nothing I can do about it. I can’t get any help. If I try to say anything it just comes back on me so I stay quiet most of the time. There is no place I can complain where anyone would listen, that’s for sure, and if I could it would just get me in trouble. I can’t win in here.

Human Revolution

It’s 1pm and man is it hot!  The sun is really beating down on this place.  One of the dudes was playing with me yesterday and acted like he was going to bite me!  I stopped and asked him what the hell he was doing.  He told me, “Were all cooking in this hot ass place and I looked like I was done! I told him, just cause the skin is dark it doesn’t mean I’m done. Lmao!

I try to have a laugh here and there because things are starting to get real rough.  I get my G2 in 90 days and the road is starting to toughen up on me. It’s as if I’m being picked at.  Not just by officers but by other dudes in here as well. I don’t want to stay G4 and I sure don’t want to do all my time.  However, I won’t let anyone run me over.

I have a lot of stress on me.  I’m upset that I’m this close to home and no one is trying to bring my son to me. I’m trying to stay away from trouble but it manages to find me. I got into it with an officer. I was looking for my ID in my cell. We have to have it when we go to chow.  Well, this female officer slams my cell door shut! I called and called her and she kept walking.  So I called to the other officer.  He comes to the cell door and yells “What?!!” I tried to talk to him but just kept yelling over me, “Do you have a razor in your hand?” I tell him, “Fuck no” and yell back at him, “Why are you yelling at me?” He walks off. Well, as you probably know I did not get to eat. I was inches, just inches from going overboard.

These people don’t like to do shit. When they have to call for anything, like chow, service, shower or med appointments, and you aren’t out of your cell by the time they get to your cell they are going to close the door. They walk fast, closing doors just to rush people. You and I both know they will constantly keep coming at me no matter what.

How’s Ms. Patty and Ms. Carol doing.  Please tell them I said hello and ask them to chant for me? The road gets rough when you’re improving.

(Sonni’s note: When you try to change, obstacles come up to hold you down. You need a lot of determination and perseverance to do things differently – to react differently.  We’re wired to react a certain way after a lifetime of doing it that way. But it is often that these very reactions are what keeps us down. It’s common to hear the phrase, “It’s just the way I am.” We what we do but we except it as something we can’t change, even if it hurts us.  We react a certain way and wish we hasn’t. We might even tell ourselves that next time we will react differently but when it does happen again we react the same way anyway.  We can’t change these things about ourselves with wishful thinking.  It takes a lot of work and a lot of self reflection to understanding that the way we are, and the environment we live in is a direct result of all the causes we have made in our life.  For some it is easier to believe that things happen because something “out there in the universe had a plan for us”. That would be nice. Then wouldn’t have to feel responsible for everything.  But as you begin to take charge of your life and as you begin to make changes, it is the start of your “human revolution”.)

I received a visit from Melvin.  I really needed it We talked and chanted.  We had a good time, but he noticed that something was wrong with me.  I explained about how I felt not being able to see my son.  It really hurts me. It’s hurts bad when I hear others talk about their son, saying that he just turned this or that age.  Then I say my son just turned eight but I haven’t seen him in almost a year.  Lol, the jokes on me.

I read an article in the newspaper I’d like you to read it.  I have a copy of it but they probably wouldn’t let me send it to you. Maybe you could look it up.  It’s in USA Today on Aug 15, 2014.  The title is “Yep, Slavery is still legal” by Jim Liske. He’s the president of Prison Fellowship.

Did you hear about Gov Rick Perry? He was indited for trying to force the DA out of office. I hope he’s convicted so he can get a taste of what he’s putting us through.

Tell Megan I want to hear from her soon.  It’s been too long.  It’s not right!!

No One Knows What Happens When You Die

I don’t understand much about Christians. I really don’t plan on digging too deep because the Bible repeats itself. Also because it talks about sin, yet it has a lot of sin it. It tells you is ok to do things concerning your kids and your wife that are just plain wrong. Now a days people just pick the parts of it they want to believe in and forget the stuff they know is wrong. So why is part of it right and part of it wrong? Then they say that God says this or that when he didn’t. They try to figure out what God was really saying and it’s just  what they think it means. It’s screwed up.  So I feel this is something I will pass and not rack my brain on why this was allowed and that wasn’t. How so many people have been brain washed I just don’t understand. I’ve never understood. It’s not common sense.  They want you to believe stories actually happened that science says is impossible. They just want to say is a miracle. No, I can’t wrap my brain around that. I’ve tried but something always comes up. There are a lot of questions that could be asked but you won’t get an answer to all of your questions, of you’ll get the same answer but with different wording. Crazy. The Bible has too much sin in it for me to believe it. I don’t pay attention to what the Bible says is a sin.

When I got arrested there was no way I could blame anything on my cousin, the one who had the gun. I have my own mind so whatever was going on it is my fault. No ifs, ands, or buts.  A lot of people don’t want to be responsible for their own unhappiness. They don’t want it to be their own fault. Especially in here. They want what happened to be someone else’s fault. Many people don’t care about the actions that brought them unhappiness. They don’t take responsibility. My cellie tells me it’s all part of “God’s Plan”. Like God planned for him to be here. He’s 50 and he’s been here since he was 22. I don’t know what is wrong with this nut. Maybe it’s the only way he can deal with it.

No one knows what happens after you die. I’m not afraid of dying. But it hurts me to think that when I know that I don’t know my son yet and he don’t know me, either. It’s hard for me to understand when I speak to others about different religions.  It’s because each religion is different but they have some of the same people in their books.

photo-88_20140907231203244

I got my first two issues of the SGI-USA newspaper, The World Tribune and an issue of Living Buddhism.  Maybe they will help me with some of the questions I have about my life. Thank you. Everyone should treat people the way they want to be treated.  Christianity talks about that but I don’t see people really trying to live that way.  In this Buddhism you talk about it seems they take it more seriously. They tell you why you should treat people the way you wanted to be treated.  They don’t just tell you that you should do it. And no one thinks about when they are doing something.  They get caught up in trying to show off.  It’s always that this person or that person isn’t cool so let’s do something to them. They don’t think about what happens when they do that.  It’s  just like living for the moment and not caring about the outcome.

A lot of people are suffering in many ways.  Yes, I help others, but what about me?  I’ve wasted seven years of my life.  To be truthful, I don’t know anything.  Yes, obstacles. I understand that they keep you down.  Things happen that try to keep you from being happy. How do we get away from that?  I guess I got a long way to go.  There is a lot I need to accept.  Starting with the fact that me and Jamie will never have a real bond.  I have to accept that, which is why I let him live his life.  He’s happy, so good.  Writing won’t do no good.  You and I both know this.  I have come to learn to accept everything.  As I said before, my life is a waste, always has been.  So tonight I’ve learned to accept it all from day one.  I’ve learned a lot from you.  You’ve cared for me.  But I finally snapped and realized I’m not ready.  I’m not coming home no time soon.  I LOVE YOU SON.  Please give me some time to think.

(Sonni’s note 9/9/14:  It has taken  awhile for him to understand that his life has value.  There is a reason why he is going through this and that reason will make him a better man and father.  Nothing happens by accident.  It is always the effect of a cause. This past year has seen him make many improvements and come to a better understanding of who he is. His life is important. During the year after this letter was written, as he has studied the philosophy of life called Nichiren Buddhism, his attitude about his life has improved and he has gained a sense of his self worth and has determination to succeed, a desire to have a good life and be a father to his son. That does not mean that the obstacles stop and everything is a bed of roses.  What it means is that he has a better understanding of why things happen to him and is learning to make better decisions in his life so that the obstacles don’t govern how he feels about his life. Regardless if he is in prison, he still has the right and the ability to be happy.  I’m glad he came into my life. He will always be my family.)