There is a letter below I wrote to Jamie some time ago. It isn’t dated, but it was within the last two years. I was going through documents. For those of you who have read his letters or even some of the ones I posted that are mine, have commented on our relationship. You can’t write such personal letters to someone for this many years and not care about them. When the only communication you can have is the written word you learn a lot about each other.
This coming Wednesday I am finally taking a trip to Texas and I will be taking Jamie’s son to see him. He hasn’t seen him in almost 3 years – the last time I visited. He probably got my letter today where I told him I’m coming down. I wish I could have been there when he got the letter just to see the happiness on his face! I was hoping I could get new pictures but they only have a photographer one day in a month and it won’t be when I am there.
You and I – all these years behind us – our writing was never based on sex. It has always been been about friendship and being there for you because your family never was. You have always been behind bars. So we never had a fight or a break up and get back together the way every other relationship does. We haven’t hurt each other. We haven’t been judgemental. It was very rare to even see each other – only one time. But I know Jamie, as much as I have ever known anything, that I do love you, because you can’t write to someone for that long and not care. We have had these years of writing and getting to know each other. It was never about sex and romance. It has been about two people who have been there for each other when we needed it. We both knew what it felt like to be abandoned by the very people you would expect to care and that is hard to deal with.
You in prison and me out here – it doesn’t matter what we look like. It doesn’t matter how old we are. It doesn’t matter that I am 9 years older than your mother. I know you – the man. I know your hurts. I know your desires. You can be honest with me about anything. You can tell me when you fail. You can tell me when you win, because underlying the whole thing is that I care very much that you succeed. I want you to get out of there and have a life you enjoy and are proud of. And I know that is going to be very hard because you won’t know what to do. It will be like getting out and no one speaks English and no one understands what you are saying. It will be very frustrating – and angering – because you will want respect and people are not going to want to give it to you. I understand because it is the same thing I go through with my family and it hurts. But it won’t put me in prison. You? It could, if you are not very very careful. But how can you know what to do when you don’t know what to do? It’s a vicious circle. This is why I stress that you have to be working on this now – not when you get out, or that swinging door will hit you in the ass and knock you back inside. Beyond baking you a cake, your family will not help you.
I am working hard to help you become the man you are inside that no one else sees. I am working to make your life respectable and help you create a life inside this book I’m writing that will hopefully give you the support of people who will know who you are before you ever walk out those doors.
I am here for you to lean on so you don’t feel alone. This is the kind of love two people have when the desire for sex wears off – it always wears off. People start their relationship on how good the sex is but when they get bored they break up and find other people. This happens because they didn’t take the time to learn how to communicate and be honest with each other. I’m getting old and will be quite old when you get out. If I were younger it would be different. It’s really kind of a shame in some ways, but in a good way it doesn’t run through the negatives like jealousy and insecurity or wondering if the other person is cheating on them. It surpasses all that. I continue to use “mom” and “son” in my letters because people reading the blog would never be able to understand. I play the role of what a mother should be doing for you and isn’t. Your mother loves you because she gave birth to you – but she doesn’t know you nor does she understand how her lack of being there for you has affected you. This is why – all those years ago when I realized you had no one to count on – I jumped in there to fill that empty space. You had been through too much in your life and I was afraid you wouldn’t make it. Most everyone wondered, “Why do you even care?” It’s because that is the way I am. If I were to describe my personality – I am a “fixer” with an addictive personality. That means when I do something – I do it completely, no matter what it is. I see things through to the end.
It was something about you. There was a reason that brought us into each others life and I believe it isn’t the first time. You and I are continuing on a path we’ve been on before or I wouldn’t have this intense desire/need to make sure you are okay. This need to help teach you what you need to know to change this path for yourself. This urgency to keep telling you that you have to take control and make your life go in the direction you want it to instead of letting life slap you around. That is love, Jamie. I want you to have a better life. There is a positive inside every negative so even this time in prison has a positive inside it if you learn the meaning of why it happened to you.
Do you not think I have smiled and wished my life wasn’t going by as fast as it is – and inside my head I think I’m still 30. My brain thinks it but every day when I look in the mirror I go yuck – another wrinkle! My hair is starting to thin along my forehead. My skin is starting to get that crepe paper feel to it. I’m not 30 anymore. But the heart has no age. It gets bigger and it lets in more people. You can love someone and it doesn’t exclude another person and kick him out. You know, Mike and I have been married for quite a few years. We love each other. I know how much he loves me, because what we have now is far beyond the physical. We have friendship, the caring, the conversation, we have the same interests, I love to cook for him, and I know he loves me and I can count on him being there. What I want is for you to do -eventually – after you get your life together — find a woman and have a family – and if she did anything to hurt you she’d have to deal with me! lol. You deserve to have a full relationship with someone while you are still young enough to enjoy it
Mike is finally starting to understand my relationship with you. He watched a movie about a man in prison for life. This man, growing up, every day his father beat him and told him he did it because he loved him, so he learned that love was about how much pain he could make people feel. He grew up and become a very angry man. He killed a woman and child. In prison he was contacted by the woman’s mother and over time they developed a relationship. The man said, “For the first time I knew what love was. This woman should hate me for what I did. He cried”. He was speaking directly to the camera and cried. I looked at Mike and said to him, “Do you understand now?” (meaning you) He said, “Yes, that is why I showed you this.” His attitude about prisoners – once a loser, always a loser – was wrong. He knows that now. You can’t automatically decide someone isn’t worth it just because they are sitting in a prison cell. You are human, and I couldn’t care less that you are in prison, as far as judging you as a person. It doesn’t affect how I feel about you. And Mike, my husband, is not worried about my relationship with you. Why – because he understands the value of our relationship – his and mine – and yours and mine.
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